What is Emotionally Intelligent Marriage?
What is a purpose of marriage?
I can relate to that what brother
Goddard said about God’s purpose for marriage: it is a refuge, or save haven,
from troubled world, it is a laboratory for me to conduct daily experiments in
gospel living, and a spiritual challenge course to humble me and refine me.
Marriage is a place to learn to be
better person for me. I have learned a lot by studying this week from John M.
Gottman’s book “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work”. The purpose of
marriage is that partners support each other’s hopes and aspirations. Partners
need to understand the bottom-line differences that are causing the conflict –
and to learn how to live with it by honoring and respecting each other. I was a
little bit surprised with this simple truth, that “the most marital arguments
cannot be resolved. “I am probably one who at least trying to solve as much as
possible.
Dr. Gottman is talking about some myths about
happy marriage, what I have also experienced. For example, I have studied a lot
in succeeding in good communication and marital conflict solving: active
listening, paraphrasing and validating emotions. I have seen good results in my
marriage and in other people relationships, but these advisee’s are not working
perfectly in all situations ,Dr. Gottman found by extensive researching of 130
couples that there are another things what are most important for happy
marriage.
What
are characteristics of Emotionally Intelligent Marriages?
Dynamics
that keeps their negative thoughts and
feelings about each other (which all couples have) from overwhelming their
positive ones. Rather than creating a climate of disagreement and resistance
they embrace each other’s needs.
When addressing the partner’s
request, their motto stands to be a helpful: „Yes, and ..., rather than „”Yes,
but ...”. This positive attitude not only allows them to maintain but also to
increase the sense of romance, play, fun, adventure, and learning together that
are at the heart of any long-lasting affair.
What
does make marriage work?
Dr. Gottman
are assuming that by following these seven principles you can ensure that your
marriage will thrive. You will learn to indentify which of these components are
weak spots, or positional weak spots in your relationship, and to focus your
attention where you most need. I will learn about these 7 principles later and
will share my findings.
The first most important thing is to
create Friendship versus Fighting.
What does
it means that marital partners have friendship?
They are willing to be aware in each other’s
like, dislikes, personality quirks, hopes, and dreams. They show their regards through
small gestures day in and day out. Friendship fuels the flame of romance
because it offers the best protection against feeling adversarial toward your
spouse. They are expressing OSP – positive sentiment override. If couple has negative
sentiment override, then all neutral things will be interpreted negatively.
Before we will discuss about seven
principles to make marriage work, it is important to understand what makes
marriages to fail and bring them to divorce.
Dr. Gottman
said that he can predict divorce by listening couples arguing during 15
minutes. The most important are the first 3 minutes, and how partners are
starting their discussion: if they are starting with harsh star-up: with
criticism, or soft star-up by complaint by using 3 parts: explaining feeling,
situation and what he or she need or want.
The most harmful communication
practices what leads marriage to failure are “The four Horsemen for the Apocalypse”:
criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling. Probably every couple have
used these harmful strategies, but it is important how often and if we are
willing to change, and learn. I am sure that we can learn new attitudes and
skills, particularly if we are willing to allow Jesus Christ to change our heart by becoming “The good
Samaritans” in our marriage and families.
I like your opinion! Yes, and I also can see, that this is (!) important for us, both women and men, to search out and improve these relationships. I know from my personal experience, how fruitful could be nourished relationships, they bring so much joy and happiness! And marriage is a place, where you can't cheat anyone - you are here 24/7 and should be yourself!
ReplyDeleteGreat insights ! Thank you for sharing!
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