How to Overcome Gridlock in a Marriage?
There are some irresolvable
differences in every marriage because spouses are two different personalities.
Dr. Gottman supposes that if you are arguing in your marriage again and again
about the same issue with no resolution; neither of you can address the issue
with humor, empathy, or affection; the issue is becoming increasingly
polarizing as time goes on; and compromise seems impossible because it would
mean selling out – giving up something important and core to your beliefs,
values, or sense of self, you will know – you have reached gridlock. Why it is
so difficult to resolve gridlock? To navigate your way out of gridlock you have
to first understand that gridlock is a
sign that you each have dreams for your life that the other isn’t aware of, has
not acknowledged, or does not respect.
By dreams John Gottman means the hopes, aspirations, and wishes that are
part of your identity, probably rooted in childhood, such as a sense of
freedom, exploring who I am, having a sense of order and security etc.
The first and more
important step is to discover these dreams and hopes. It could not be easy
job, because these hopes are often hidden and unconscious. It seemed for me and
my husband that we were pretty good in our communication during last weeks, but
recently we again had a conflict. I suppose that a hidden hope of this issue is
that I have unfulfilled childhood dream to be loved, appreciated and admired by
my parents, particularly by my dad, and I expecting this from my husband. I
guess he has a similar childhood hopes, and he is expecting from me – why would
not you to appreciate, admire and love me the first and be a good example? While
these are hidden hopes they could cause emotional conflicts. If I am aware of
my unconscious dreams I can respond as an adult. Really, why I could not be the
one who starts to love and appreciate him the first?
We have to put affords to discover these hidden hopes,
and the first step suppose for partners to
tell about them by talking 15 minutes one side, other partner is listening,
and then other is telling about hopes
and dreams and from where are they coming for another 15 minutes, while the
first partner is carefully listening without trying to solve a problem.
Probably it would be necessary the step
2: Soothe – to reduce stress to protect of flooding (massage, meditation,
deep breathing etc.). Step 3: Reach a
temporary compromise (the two-cycle method). Step 4: Say “thank you’. It is never too much
appreciate other’s efforts and good characteristics.
The main idea of Dr. Gottman’s book is that every
marriage can flourish if spouses follow the seven principles .I love the Magic
Six Hours a week recommendations, what we are also trying to incorporate in our
marriage these principles, and it really helps: six seconds kiss,
stress-reducing conversation at the end of the day during dinner, a weekly
dating and 1 hour talk about our marriage. No one perfect active listening
method will help us if we are not humble and want to forgive and not to focus
on partner’s weaknesses. As Wallace Goddard wrote, “We should forgive them of their humanness”. I learned also form his message, that we
cannot effort the happy marriage without The Lord. He loved us first, because we should love Him
with all our hearts, “Accepting His love makes all the difference…. Love first.
Don’t wait to be loved.” .I have to pray more about His help and about His
love, what I lacked. I know that Jesus is able to help, if we sincere is asking
His help.
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