How to Solve Conflicts in a Marriage?
I am a kind
a person who has to solve ALL conflicts in a marriage. Probably this is reason
why I became a psychologist. How was my surplice when I read by Dr. Gottman
that the majority of marital conflicts
fall into the category of perpetual conflicts – 69 %, to be exact. “All
marital conflicts, ranging from mundane annoyances to all-out wars, really fall
into one of two categories: either they can be resolved, or they are perpetual,
which means they will be a part of your lives forever in some form or another”.
It’s good to be able identify the category of your disagreements to customize
your strategies, depending on which of these two types of conflict you’re
having.
Today we will talk about solvable
problems, which may sound relatively simple compared with unsolvable ones, but
they can cause a great deal of pain. The fifth principle for making marriage
work teaches how to solve solvable problems: 1)Make sure your start-up is soft rather than harsh, 2) learn the effective use of repair attempts,
3) monitor your physiology during these
discussions for warning signs of flooding,
4) learn how to compromise,
and 5) become more tolerant of each
other’s imperfections.
How to differentiate which of your
conflict is solvable? Solvable problems seem less painful, gut-wrenching, or
intense than perpetual, gridlocked ones. You focus is only on a particular
dilemma or situation. There is no underlying conflict that’s fueling your dispute.
For dealing with both types of conflict some overall advices can be helpful: 1)
negative emotions are important
(Negative emotions hold important information about understanding your partner;
we have to learn express our emotions in ways that allow each other to listen
without feeling attacked); 2) no one is
right: there is no absolute reality in marital conflict, only two
subjective ones; 3) acceptance is
crucial. Every people have their own weaknesses and imperfections, which
are challenging and probably even will never be solved in this life. Understanding
and respect is crucial for people to being able to change. We should work
harder on principle of fondness and admiration. The sense of humor is helpful
to deal with partner’s imperfections. Couple’s who are living long time
together have learned to mellow their partner’s faults, so although they
communicate to each other every emotion in the spectrum, even anger
disappointment and hurt, they also communicate fundamental fondness and
respect.
If couples are not able to do this
sometimes the problem is that they are not able to forgive each other for past differences. This can be hard to do,
but it is well worth. When you forgive your spouse you both benefit. I have
found the real benefits of forgiving and letting go my offences to my mums, my
dad and my husband as well. It gives such a freedom and wings to fly.
I was really surprised about my
husband’s attitude to my weaknesses particularly one of them .It is totally
different as my mum would do. I m not very organized person, and especially
with making things in order. I have my working room in a home. Since we are
living in this house it is becoming messier, because of a lot of books and
papers I have, and cannot make them in perfect order. My working table the most
of time is full of papers. My husband’s table ussually is perfectly clean. This mess is irritating even me, but I could
not deal with this problem for 15 years. My husband always calmly respond to
this my mess: “I believe you will overcome this problem when time will come.”
This sentence sometimes made me angry. Couple time we try to organize my things
together but this didn’t work. I expected him to fix my problem. You will not
believe: after 15 years of struggles during last week’s period I finally was
able to make some order. I looked at my books and papers, and evaluate each my
book – if I really will read this on entire life time, and let them go at least
30% of them, but I am still in a process. It is a miracle, real miracle. I
suppose I was able to do this because forgiving and of letting go my offences.
This process of healing was abele thanks to my husband’s tolerance, acceptance
and love for me as a valuable person regardless of imperfections. We are coming
to marriage not because of our needs to be met, but to help to progress both of
partners. As Goddard said: “Marriage provides glorious opportunities to
practice consecration.” This attitude allows both of partners to grow up and
perfect their characters. .
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