How to Have Enhancing Marital Sex?
Sexuality is the symbol of all marital relationships; it is not just part of marriage. The purpose of intimate relationship (besides of having children) is to bring joy and oneness to marriage, “to be reserved as an expression of true love in holy wedlock.” Sexuality is a reflection of spouses’ emotional and relational (positive or negative) climate in marriage, but sexual intimacy has bonding, healing, enhancing and sanctifying power in marital relationships by itself. Healthy sexual relationships are not only physical intimacy; they include at least emotional and spiritual aspects as well. "Both husbands and wives have physical, emotional, psychological, and spiritual need associated with this sacred act. They will be able to complement each other in the marriage relationship if they give tender, considerate attention to these needs of their partner. Each should seek to fulfill the other’s needs rather than to use this highly significant relationship merely to satisfy his or her own passion."
How to make our intimate relationships enhancing and satisfying? “The happy news is that the vast majority of challenges that couples may encounter in their sexual relationship are usually able to be resolved by a combination of patience, effort, knowledge, skills and motivation.” (Sean E. Brotherson)
Te first thing for
success is to choose total fidelity in
marriage. The Lord has commented:
“Thou shalt love thy wife with all thy heart, and shalt cleave unto her and
none else”. (D&C 42:22). “If you are married, avoid flirtations of any
kind. Sometimes we hear of a married man going to lunch with his secretary or
other women in the office… A good question to ask ourselves is this: Would my spouse be pleased if
he or she knew I was doing this? (President Ezra Taft Benson). Walace Goddard describe stages how distancing
from your spouse could happened, if someone are starting to turn to another
person of opposite sex. These stages are
1) behavior that seems innocent; 2) an affection grows that claims part of
one’s heart; 3) extraordinal flirting, justification – no harm intended; 4)
relationship declared as special. “Even if a couple exercises the restraint
to avoid having intercourse, the damage to family relations that comes from
divided loyalties and ugly dishonesty is terrific and tragic. Trust is
destroyed.” At any point in the process we can repent and turn back to our
spouse.
It has happened with me during my
marriage a couple of times when some man “get part of my heart” for a moment.
It depends what we are choosing to do with these “uplifting” feelings, even they
are just “thoughts”. Many years ago my husband showed a good example how to
deal with these “sympathies”. We were both with my husband at these sport
activities with his work company, but for a moment we were doing different
things. He played a billiard with some people and has shared mutual sympathies
with a young woman. Later at the evening he talked with me about these
feelings. It was painful for me short time because he gave his small “ part of his heart“ for a
moment to someone else, but it was not difficult to forgive him and listen with
understanding because it had happen with me also. I was deeply touched for his
trust in me that he shared this experience.
Our talk helped him to overcome these feelings during one day and to
enhance and strengthen our marital emotional and sexual intimacy. I have
learned always turn to my spouse
what kind of experience it could be.
The
other things I would like to advice – to have positive attitude about sex in
your marriage, never lost hope for
success, and always continue to
learn about your marital relationships, about intimacy and continue to
develop these sacred relationships. Learn from each other; learn from prophets,
from good books and from workshops about marriage by professionals what can
help you. As it possible we are attending workshops together with my husband,
discussing and sharing our knowledge and experiences. It is not easy, it
required respect to discuss this vulnerable topic Here I just share some things
what seemed inspiring for me from these week’s readings and maybe helpful for
you to start investigate this topic:
1.
Negative
emotions, emotional distance (“ill will”) creates tension and stress in the
couple relationship, and at such times women are much less likely or able to
muster the emotional desire to pursue sexual intimacy. Abandoning ill will is a prerequisite to emotional preparation for
sexual intimacy for most women. Additionally, it is interesting to note that for many women sexual desire actually
follows arousal, it does not precede it. This means that women who
intentionally engage with their spouse often find that their desire kicks in
after this intentional effort. The catch? A woman's willingness to “be
intentional” about sexual intimacy is directly linked with whether she is currently
feeling or experiencing any ill will in the relationship. (Sean E. Brotherson)
2. Couples
may get into an “ill will” cycle in
their sexual relationship, particularly if one spouse has high desire and
the other has a lower level of desire. In this situation, the high-desire spouse often seeks intimacy
only to find a lack of interest on the part of the low-desire spouse. Too
often, what then happens is that the
low-desire spouse feels pressured emotionally and the high-desire spouse
feels rejected or unloved, and so each goes away feeling hurt or resentful. The
high-desire spouse who feels rejected
may soon become insecure and so
returns to seek love through sexual intimacy, and again the low-desire spouse feels pressured again and
resentful and the whole terrible cycle happens again and again. This “ill
will” cycle requires careful attention to monitor and break so that a couple
can communicate, compromise, and develop strategies that help them diminish the
hurt or resentful feelings while strengthening their intimate relationship.
“In
summary, sex should be a celebration.
It comes from God. He created our sexual appetites and natures. He has ordained
us to make love both physically and spiritually. He is pleased when He sees us
bonded together sexually, in love, for this is the plan of creation.” (Victor
Cline).
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