This week I have learned how crucial for marriage is a principle of “turn toward each other instead of away.” Dr. Gottman teaches: “Each time partners turn toward each other they are funding what I’ve come to call their emotional bank account. They are building up savings that, like money in the bank, can serve as a cushion when times get rough, when they’re faced with a major life stress or conflict….Couples often ignore each other’s emotional needs out of mindlessness, not malice.” With all “small things” in our lives we can “turn toward” or “turn away” from our spouses. We just have to be aware of we are doing. One of the reasons when we are not able to turn toward partner and “miss” a bid of attention from other partner is if we are wrapped in anger or other negative emotions. If we are aware of that we can change our responses to more positive. Another reason – we are often being distracted by the wired world (internet, digital devices). “This culture of distraction doesn’t benefit intimate relationships, which require the opposite: the habit of being aware and paying attention.” Dr. Gottman recommends consciously “to make small improvements by noticing how partner has been turning toward and giving” and doing small things together.
We all are busy, and we have to create habits to do things together. For example, some time ago we with my husband have learned from advice: “give warm farewells and hellos: look into each other’s eyes, smile, say compliments, tell what you will planning to do or how your day was, enjoy 6-second kiss.” When I reread this recommendation I notice that we did not follow it perfectly every day, but we at least introduced a 6-second kiss. This small thing made a difference. Naturally I do not like to be disturbed when I am involved in studying, reading or writing a paper, when I am in some process, or when I am in a “bad mood”. But then I was thinking, who matters most – my processes or my husband. And I chose my husband. When my husband comes home, I interrupt my works and warmly welcome him, kiss, sit with him while he is having dinner even I am not eating so late.
The most of all I like these evening (sometimes morning) talks as Dr. Gottman called them “the stress-reducing conversations”, when partners talk about other things outside their marriage. Probably not every day your spouse needs very emotionally deep conversation, some days it would be just simple conversation “How was your day, dear?” But sometimes one or both of partners need validating of emotions (positive and negative emotions). For greater effects Dr. Gottman has recommended: “Take turns (each partner gets to be the complainer for fifteen minutes), show genuine interest, don’t give unsolicited advice, communicate your understanding, take your partner’s side, express a “we against other’s” attitude, show affection and validate emotions.” It is not easy to be “good listener”, we are learning all our conscious life, but this is worth of that. “Experiences that generate the most negative emotions also have the capacity to build the strongest bonds” Emotional bonding for me and my marriage is a value what makes marriage for me very special.
I also would like to introduce Dr. Gottman 7th principle “Create Shared Meaning” that means to have for marriage “a spiritual dimension that has to do with creating an inner life together – a culture rich with symbols and rituals, and a appreciation for your roles and goals that link you and that led you to understand who you are as a family.” The Four pillars of shared meaning are shared rituals of connection, support for each other’s roles, shared goals and shared values and symbols. We and my husband have a lot of common values: common religion and cultural preferences, but nevertheless we are different individuals. In order to connect together we both have to sacrifice something from our individual time and interests. I am trying to support my husband in his work and callings, to respond his requests to travel with him and teach together. I appreciate what he is supporting my interests and professional goals and always willing to participate in my activities. This is our “emotional bank account”, which serves as “cushion” when “times get rough’.
